Crazy Pants

I go to the gym to try and break machines and to be sweaty and naked in all the right places.

I do not have a trainer. I’m not training for anything other than to have the shape of a dolphin and the musk of a wolverine.

However, I was struck the other day what a queer Triathlon I was involved in: [...]

Are your underwear too tight?

• Yes
• No
• FUCKINGEYEGOUGINGDOOMCOCK! ARRRRGGHHHHH!

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We here at The Sporadical do not really care to study this particular statistic. It is but our great benevolence that causes us to raise this question so that it may stir in you an inspection into whether or not you are properly stirring.

Understandably, when you were younger you may have been 135lbs and convinced that that surely [...]