It is quite obvious how big a fan of Doctor Who I am, but I am very close to equal the fan of Battlestar Galactica. Despite sporadically wishing every other character dead besides the great Gaius Baltar for the inability of their charisma to overcome their circuitous whining, I might have to admit that BSG – as the homies and I prefer to refer to it – is pound for pound a better show than Doctor Who. Of course, Doctor Who has significantly more pounds to it which makes it much easier to spot the more unattractive cellulite. But by the time I finish that argument, Galactica and infinite spin-offs will be all wrapped up…so let’s get back to the point here…
Previously, on Battlestar Galactica:
Man made robots to do boring stuff for them. The robots – or Cylons – said, “Frak that!” and started exploding everything. Then they disappear. Many moons later they come back with some fancy new models that are basically human, except for a flimsy scientific explanation why they are not. There are 12 of these skin-jobs, but only 7 of them flying around space trying to kill humans.
Oh…and GOD tells everyone to do everything – for real – even if all these things contradict each other. Most of some of the Cylons still want to kill the humans who want to get to this place called Earth which may or may not exist – I doubt it. The show’s super awesome mythology is something largely to do with these missing 5 Cylons who were apparently not popular enough in Cylon high school, but will reunite to form Voltron and save or kill everyone as GOD intends.
If you’ve seen everything that is available to be seen, you know 11 Cylons by now, leaving only that one last Cylon to fascinate the fan-boy mind. There are certain indications that it will not be someone who has already been on the show…and so the mind wanders. Mine has ventured to absurdity picking those actors or actresses who, while possibly cool and capable in their own right, would straight ruin the show.
What I propose is picking someone whose inappropriateness would be horrible enough as to possibly coin some new phrase that will henceforth replace the term “Jumping the Shark” when referring to a long-running television show crapping its last gasp.
My first thought – and I believe the greatest surprise – would lead us to a phrase along the lines of “Frakking Gilbert!” as the camera tracks in and slowly reveals the last Cylon to be…Gilbert Gottfried.
I actually like the guy…and it would be…entertaining to watch…but mostly because of how brutally it would savage the show’s legacy.
Truly, it would only possibly be a more savage end for the show if the producers were to have decided they wanted to save money by cutting out the part where they actually found earth, jumping ahead many several years, firing everyone’s favorite characters, and placing most of the action in very pedestrian non-scifi environments wherein characters poorly run in questionable fashions instead of flying through space. But who the hell would do that? 1980 was a bad year…
No…Gilbert Gottfried it is!
Mushies for all!