I go to the gym to try and break machines and to be sweaty and naked in all the right places.

I do not have a trainer. I’m not training for anything other than to have the shape of a dolphin and the musk of a wolverine.

However, I was struck the other day what a queer Triathlon I was involved in: 1) Riding an Elliptical Machine until broken. 2) 3 Games of basketball 3) The requisite number of laps in the pool to induce drowning from fatigue.

Though that is not quite queer enough…

What is your Triathlon?

• 1) Eat at Denny's 2) Pee in a Vase 3) Fight a Cop
• 1) Shave a Cat Bare 2) Paint Your Taint Red 3) Walk into a Wall Until You Die
• 1) Steal All the Tokens from Chuck E. Cheese 2) Attempt to Buy a Mercedes with the Stolen Tokens 3) Take the Tokens Back to Chuck E. Cheese
• 1) Believe Something is the Answer to Everything 2) Believe Something Else is the Answer to Everything 3) Believe You are the Answer for Everyone

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