The Brown Standard

by August 6th, 2008 - Creative » Writing »

I am learned…

In The Sporadical’s continuing crusade to uncover overlooked, underground cultural idiosyncrasies that will aid us in transitioning to The Second Surreal and Unnerving Human Empire, we bring you…cows crapping in a field for money!

Cow Chip Bingo!

Traditionally, Cow Chip Bingo is begun by a township painting a grid onto a field, pasture, or the front yard of someone universally disliked by the muttering masses. One may then go to the local corner store and purchase at a cost of $5 – $25 one of the squares in the aforementioned grid.

When all else has been properly prepared, the local crotchety old man, whom has no other responsibilities, grins the only smile of his life as he lets loose the cows, which have been mentally abused over the course of 2-3 years to such an extent that they have been conditioned into the proper grid shitting lather.

Should a cow fortunately plop in your square…BINGO! You get your $5 – $25 back and the remainder is kept in the township treasury to fund the purchase of a non-functioning military tank to keep in front of the bowling alley.

In the near future of The Second Surreal and Unnerving Human Empire, a form of this will take place in each documented township on the 3rd ABBA Day of each month.

A close relative to the above event, currently gaining in popularity, involves the drilling of holes in the floor of one’s 2nd or more floor apartment. With the aid of 15-20 members of the surrounding community and a metronome, a controlled symphony of synchronized excrement is rained upon the downstairs neighbor in such a way as to produce a peculiarly pleasant melody in addition to inevitable insanity.

A videotape of these events is sold to universities and seminaries, clearly and clinically showing the destruction of one’s befuddled and terrified mind as excrement inexplicably falls from the sky in such a widespread, choreographed manner that it could not possibly be due to a simple plumbing malfunction. Proceeds from the sale of this videotape pay for the repair of the floor, the cleaning of the downstairs apartment, and psychiatric fees for the affected neighbor.

How else will your flowers grow?

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