Super Tuesday: What to do with Lame Dangerous Ducks

by February 5th, 2008 - Politics »

Can we handle another “Super” thing this soon? Will it mean anything more than the game Sunday? Who’s running? Where is my toe? DEAR GOD, WHERE IS MY TOE!?

We have only to hope that Super Tuesday won’t mirror the Super Bowl. Waiting three quarters for action between the Giants and Patriots was tolerable, but my patience will not go relative with the longer scheme of a Presidential election. I want to see someone beat the hell out of everyone else in each party. I’ve gone purely entertainment again. It doesn’t matter who. Let’s just get on with it.

However, there is a more practical angle to this as well. George W. Bush has done nothing good in the 7 something years he has been in office — OK, maybe he petted a puppy or something…so at least some dog somewhere is wagging its tail…and that isa fine thing. But in facing his last year as the lamest duck in my political memory, it is almost certain that he will do no good now.

In fact, I have a sinking suspicion that he will cause greater harm than ever before. Almost every president takes advantage of their last year to perform some series of great atrocities of law, usually pardoning serial killer friends and sweeping the bodies under the carpet of the Oval Office on their way out. What might W. do? Public opinion has not swayed him from evil in his previous 7 years, so it is hard to imagine what terrible things it might unleash in his mind in year 8, now that he has his “Get into Hell Free” card. For my money, we’re either looking at him either signing into law “The Rapture” or finishing the job that Nixon began by releasing the crab people mutated en masse in the 70s. If they were originally only malformed but well mannered, they have got to be pissed off with ill intent on their crustaceous minds by now.

So lets get him the hell out of there…as soon as possible. I’m repeatedly amazed that Bill Clinton — of whom I am no fan — was impeached for lying about sloppy extramarital slippings, but George W. Bush for a myriad of known and unknown atrocities has not successfully had the thumb put to him. Both parties are criminal organizations…but perhaps the Republicans are simply better at it.

Regardless…if it hasn’t happened, it ain’t gonna happen now. So screw it. Congress has bent the rules in the past for Bush. Why not bend them against him, now? Lets have sweeping victories in the primaries today, narrowing it down to one assclown from each party. The two fools can debate for a couple weeks about their preference of Kool-Aid, and then we’ll hold the election in March, have a new president in place by April and George can go back to his humanitarian work of petting dogs on the ranch.

It’s sure to be an improvement, either way. And if not, we’ll just bend the rules again, throw them out, hold another election, rinsing and repeating until we get it right. Something a little more like a parliamentary system, yes? How could we ever make that transition? Although I did find it funny that we blew up Iraq so that we could deliver to them the most perfect form of government, which happened to be a parliamentary system…as if to say, “Hey, don’t tell the kids back home…but if we could do it over…yeah.”

A parliamentary system that would have in place something similar to England’s “Prime Minister’s Questions”, would have been brilliant to watch during the George W. Bush presidency. Despite his policy failings, I might have voted for him just for the pleasure of seeing him struggle on a weekly basis to form whole words let alone sentences in response to harsh policy and personal criticism. What a show!

In truth, he would best serve a new American political role in the figurehead vein of England’s royal family. I remember 2000, semi-dispassionately watching the results of the most beige election I’ve ever witnessed. With George W. Bush the semi-winner at the end of the night, I thought to myself that at least it will be a comical four years of a president perhaps more clumsy, silly, and monkey-based than Gerald Ford. But it all turned real evil real quick for too long — and Bush didn’t fall off of the podium or down stairs as much as Chevy Chase would lead me to believe such a president would.

However, if we had simply propped him up as the “president” without any powers, it could have been very entertaining. It wouldn’t have the same history, majesty, or elegance that the royal family supposedly has. No it would real American entertainment, a sort of governmental wacky neighbor next door who would come sliding through the doors of Congress, saying something dumb like, “Ziggity Zag!”, falling on his ass, giving some hip new variation of a double thumbs-up and leaving with two or three bikini clad women. It would be an interruption to be sure, but an entertainment that wouldn’t too terribly screw the machinery of the US or the world.

Oh W! If only no one actually relied on you for anything.


“Zaphod Beeblebrox! He’s the guy you want to vote for!”

“Don’t believe those vicious lies! They’re just not true…he’s smarter than you…and he’s better looking too!”

“So let’s elect him president!”


I’m Thomas K…and I’m not

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