This Post is Free of Magnetic Fields
I found this spectacular video linked on Phil Plait’s intelligent and responsible blog Bad Atronomy, where he introduces the clip, writing:
You are immersed in magnetic fields right now. Your computer, your house, your office, your street, your TV, your iPod… they all have magnetic fields around them, and you are embedded in them as well.
But now that we know…something must be done! Clearly it is these magnetic fields that have been invisibly fucking up everything for us always: mediocre love lives, the elusive peace in the Middle East, dead end jobs, global warming, and the lack of crullers at my local Dunkin’ Donuts.
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE! This is a call to arms, gentlemen…THEY ARE FUCKING EVERYWHERE! You heard the man!
Pick up a blunt magnetic-field-destroying object and start smashing everything you see.
As soon as I saw this video I began doing my part, running outside with an aluminum baseball bat and swinging wildly at the air around me, light posts, the asphalt…all this while spastically pulling on my underwear, frantically attempting to smash and free them as well from this cancerous magnetism…no easy task, I’ll tell ya.
An old man kindly hobbled up to me and asked, “Are you OK, sonny?”
I spun around, red-eyed, slobbering blood with my head reared back and my nostrils flaring, snorting like an enraged bull. SMACK! The old man hits the ground like a sack of flour and with similar powdery fallout.
“You are free, old man! FREE YOU TOFU EATIN’ OLD FOOL! I can see…don’t you see!? DON’T YOU SEE?! No more magnetic fields on MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
Later – two days later in fact – after I had freed my entire neighborhood from all magnetic fields, what community bravely remained gathered my exhausted and shattered body from the pavement and placed it on a leftover float from the Italian Festival. Cradled in the arms of a filthy, crumbling statue of the Virgin Mary, the float was carried through the smoldering magnetic-field-free streets, hoisted on the shoulders of the thankful souls I saved.
Through the narrow swollen slits of my eyelids, I could just barely make out the flickering majesty of my work. Burning buildings, ruptured fire hydrants, and a seemingly endless littering of things that were once living…all humanely “de-magnetized”.
Breaking through the stinging shock of my new surroundings, I figured I must have been thrown into the river and found that I had not only been placed in the arms of the Virgin Mary, but rather bound to her with very strong and abrasive cables.
Gathering an impossible reserve of energy and superhuman strength, I swam ashore, dragging the Virgin Mary behind me.
I’m Thomas K…and I’m not.