• The Economy
• Abortion
• War
• Individual Freedom
• The Environment
• Social Equality

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• “America…this November you will have to answer one of the hardest questions: ‘Why does my hand smell like my ass?’”
• “Look…let’s cut the shit…stick ‘em up! Give us all your money and no one gets hurt, see?!”
• “Elect Barack Obama president…for his coming was fortold by the great ancient Mayans. 2012 here we come!”
• “So…a pregnant woman, her transvestite sibling, and a putrefying donkey walk into a leather bar…”
• “Assume the party escort submission position. Cake and grief counseling will be available at the conclusion of the election. Thank you for helping us help you help us all.”

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• Mommy
• Daddy
• Neither. I sleep in the nude with the windows wide open, daring passersby with my unassailable logic.

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• Ralph Nader, Independent
• Bob Barr, Libertarian Party
• Pier Paolo Pasolini, Dead
• Róger Calero, Socialist Workers Party
• José Offerman, Retired Baseball Player
• Arch Stanton, Fictional
• Charles Theodore “Chili” Davis, Retired Baseball Player

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