In response to the recent panic surrounding the H1N1 virus, as well as for basic hygiene, my workplace recently installed motion activated hand sanitizer dispensers throughout its establishment.

I had encountered something similar once before in a public restroom dispenser that squirted soap on your hands when simply placed before its electronic eye. There was something deeply disturbing about the squirting delivery of such things onto my hands in such a semi-voluntary “hands-free” manner. Even though the soap was applied adequately, I felt dirty for a few days even after.

However, I have actually quite quickly fallen in love with these newly installed hand sanitizer dispensers. This is quite a good thing as I am a pretty filthy person overall. I imagine an analogue for me may in fact be one of the more nightmarishly imagined Garbage Pail Kids If you were to see me approaching and offering my hand for a handshake, I would actually suggest not doing so. I…am not even sure where my hands have been, but trust its not been somewhere hygienically pleasant. I admit this…and yet I go strongly, insistently forward with handshakes wherever I go. Horrible…horrible…

But yes, there is now perhaps less to fear from such interactions as I absolutely love the sensation and distraction that these devices provide. Another great flaw in my person is my almost complete and utter lack of patience in common day to day activities. Thus it is quite a thing that these dispensers have provided a fun game to play while waiting for the elevator and what would have you, acting not unlike a travel-sized Tupperware container of Cheerios to be fed by a mother to a hungry schizophrenically active son, only just subsiding the growing rage exacerbated by any and all delays.

And yes, the sensation itself is also of great enjoyment. Even if it would not actually sanitize your hands, it certainly feels that way, adding an idea of accomplishment to the day and drying most satisfactorily.

All these things combined have led me to imagine the abolition of showers, replacing them instead with quick sprays or bathes of full body sanitizer. Although not actually adequate, I am already stubbornly committed to the idea with the only obstacle in my way being the procurement of sufficient amounts of the sanitizer. Money is no object…as I don’t have any, but I have, indeed, already formulated a plan.

At my workplace these dispensers are quite plentiful…as plentiful, in fact, as the empty water jugs found littering the halls. Clearly, I may use these or other such tub-like containers to secure this endless…ENDLESS source of hygienic spoo with which both body and mind shall be sanitized as insanely and regularly as possible…inevitably leading to my squeaky clean termination and subsequent election as the King of You…