My bestest buddy, the BBC, is reporting that TOFU GONNA EAT YO FUCKIN’ MIND!

Or rather – back in reality – the article concerns itself with a study in Indonesia focusing on the effects of soy product consumption on memory – that’s human memory for those keeping score at home. High tofu consumption was associated with worse memory, further theories even connecting it to aiding the onset of dementia. However, the 719 subjects of this survey were all elderly participants so they may have quite naturally not remembered whether they ate Tofu or not, yet kindly nodded when asked by the researchers if they did.

The science actually points to the culprit being things called Phytoestrogens, micronutrients found in many soy products that have effects similar to the female sex hormone oestrogen. This is the same ingested compound that makes me cry uncontrollably whenever I come across A League of their Own on TV – this is a real thing…and a real problem…which is why I’m so heavily interested in this study.

One theory has it that these phytoestrogens and oestrogens tend to promote cell growth in the brain, which for some reason does not jive with an ageing brain – the natural decrapitating tendencies of an ageing brain perhaps creating a defeatist conflict with this new promise of growth, too depressing a hope that the two forces decide to throw away old pictures rather than hanging on to a lost cause. That last bit of theory did not come from a scientist.

A diverging theory points to formaldehyde as the real culprit, as it is sometimes used as a preservative in Indonesia. But fuck that theory. It is not a surprising cause and is only immediately funny… I can do nothing with it as material…

To be fair to my soy–lovin’ friends, where tofu fails, apparently its soy sibling tempeh makes it big time. The theory here runs that high levels of the dementia fighting vitamin folate found in tempeh, combine with the high levels of phytoestrogens to form Voltron, which epically battles the Robeasts that attack the human brain as it ages.

Remember…before you eat anything…ever…you might first want to run a lengthy study of its effect on at least 719 elderly Indonesians.

Of course, your safest bet all around is to simply eat nothing. Or perhaps it is better said that you should not eat anything. We’re not quite certain yet what would happen if you ate nothing. Err on the side of absurdist caution on all edible things and you will surely live forever…a period of time redefined as the distance between now and the moment you succumb to starvation.

And I’ll form the head!

I’m Thomas K…and I’m not