Look Here, Girl Scouts of America
Your fucking cookies are incredible.
This is far beyond the stupid guilt-ridden charity bullshit of a co-worker trapping you in some queer “no obligation” emotional obligation to buy some pretzel twists or soggy hoagies for some distantly related relative’s basketball team or some other sole spark of a child’d life that happens to be underfunded.
I don’t care what the fuck you are going to do with the money you make from these cookies.
IT IS ALREADY YOURS!
In fact…the relationship is quite the opposite as it has prompted me to compose this plea to you to sell your cookies ALL THE TIME and EVERYWHERE!
I am already done with my two boxes of Peanut Butter Patties, which were so shrewdly packaged in three rows fighting the common man’s psychology predicting that there be four rows which would provide a reasonable halfway point to exit and continue consumption at a later time. Hidden within their opaque wrapper, we still anticipate this exit strategy and are foiled finishing the second row and only then realizing that we have already gone beyond the point of no return with no option but to eat the remainder and still…long for more.
Your cookies FUCKING WIN!
There are really no other cookies on the market that can compare. Nabisco Oreo cookies and Keebler Fudge Stripes are contenders, but you would totally fuck them sideways in the market if you had a year-round presence.
Visiting your website, however, I find that they are still only seasonal sales and with only certain varieties available through a scattered network of local troops.
Also…in registering my email address and name to learn more about purchasing said cookies, I couldn’t help but feel, although it bares no relation to my actual desires, that the website is a ploy by federal law enforcement agencies to track potential sexual predators.
Girl Scouts of America, were you to sell these most delectable wares all year across all the world’s grocery stores, you would not only have many happy customers, but also such an incredible revenue stream that not only would you lose all concerns for the funding of your activities; you would lose all concern for your activities, no longer having to fuck around in the woods gathering nuts and berries and fighting for your survival, instead forming a sisterhood that shares in the lavish lifestyle your cookie fortune would provide all members, with enough purchasing power to employ the piece-of-shit Boy Scouts of America for whatever tasks you require.
MAKE IT SO!
It’s amazing what you can do with a semi-colon, a handful of commas, and a blatant disregard for normal rules of grammar.