Hacksaw John McCain Hits the Dance Floor

by January 20th, 2008 - Politics »

This is not at first about the issues, though I do take issue with some of them.

This is not at first about the man. He seems a nice enough person in and out of the political realm, generally.

No, John, this is about the circus-shit nature of your campaign and the carnie folk that attend your every event and victory.

I can tell that you are secretly ashamed of every one of them, your awkward accompanying dance through the horde, and in general the whole sordid process of campaigning – discovering new and exciting ways to subtly whore yourself or righting the ship in some aspects, but still hurting from pangs of guilt related to your previous whoring. Onward Christian solider, only motivated by the ghost of some ancient initial momentum, the instructions for which were long ago lost — and so you creak forward with a glazed, plastic look in your eyes…and a monotone chant on your lips.

And you’re too deep now. You are surrounded by the mutated remnant of the cult you originally gathered around yourself 8 or so years ago…people with better memories than current perception. They will not let you go gently or otherwise into that good night and you are stuck with them and their “We’re #1” foam fingers forever.

Of course, every candidate has some dumbness chanted in support of him or her. You really can’t be intelligent in three to five words of mob-mentality repetitions, but the cult of McCain carries with them such a particularly flavored variety of mind-altering calls that you are unwillingly transported to a lobotomized horror-show land of ‘80s family entertainment.

McCain starts off with some goofy, non-issue related Reagan quote…fucks up the timing…then adds something to the effect of “…and I like people.”

The crowd springs to life with, “Mac is back! Mac is back!” …which isn’t terrible, but it does queerly seem either a melodramatic look back at the doom of his previous campaigns or a guilty admission that Mac has only recently recovered from the lows of his political whoring…

Straight-talkin’ — you understand — except for those couple of years he gambled his entire political career on living off the fumes of George Bush’s taint…hoping such indignity in a political age of absurdity would lead him to be the successor to the monkey king. But no, you simply smelled of W’s taint…and that never completely washes out.

So… “Mac is back! Mac is back!” …which although initially benign, does wear on your nerves over time.

And then, John speaks on one of the few limited issues he is comfortable in discussing in public, stating that he, in general, does not like Islamic extremists that would attack America. This drives the crowd wild…

“U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!”

What the fuck?! What the hell just happened? Where are we?

As I understand it, everyone running for president…is generally in support of America…or, if you will, U-S-A! Have I simply not paid attention? Is McCain’s main competition in this race, the Iron Sheik? Nikolai Volkoff? Some fat New Jersey kid unexplainably dressed up like an America-hating sumo wrestler?

I glance back at the TV and see John McCain now dressed only in blue boots, knee pads, and undies. The crowd goes wild as he stomps around like an asshole, his tongue sticking out and thumb raised triumphantly to prove that he has one. A 2×4 is spun high in the air, caught, steadied and brought down hard over the head of Mitt Romney, who now looks a lot like Jimmy Hart, The Mouth of the South…oddly…

The bell rings, the crowd goes insane, and Hacksaw John McCain is played out to victory by the sound of “Take a Chance On Me” by the ‘70s disco super group ABBA.

Wooooooooo! Shit! Why the fuck not?!

Makes perfect sense to me. Where do I sign up? The ABBA bit is what finally broke my mind and sealed the deal.

Most of these things actually happened, you understand…

And, if nothing else, I must admit that I cannot hope to counter his unassailable argument against abortion… that being, “HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

EDITOR’S NOTE: It is here that the author mercifully fails to continue the story, which would have followed The Million Dollar Man Michael Bloomberg causing interference in the final bout and costing Hacksaw John McCain the election. There would be no end to the article in continuing with this train of thought and, as such, it is better ended here.

I’m Thomas K…and I’m not.

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