I never wash my hands anyway.

…

That’s to say…I do not have anything dirty to clean.

…

I’m not being conceited. I’ll explain.

I never lay hand to myself. I don’t have to. It is a perfectly clean, efficient, alien process. There have been rumblings amongst the villagers that it must be witchcraft. This, of course, is nonsense.

NONSENSE, I SAY!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, the process commonly proceeds as follows:

The lights flicker…slowly at first…and an uncommon whooshing sound is faintly heard, steadily increasing in intensity.

Any visual witness, whether human or mechanical, would view the room and the very fabric of reality bending inwards towards me. It appears this way…because that is what happens.

I am quickly engulfed in a soft blue fire that is progressively built upon with different shades of flame every time I blink my eyes. This might make you think of Dragon Ball Z. It should. All fiction is based on some sort of truth. I’ll let you sort out which is which.

The quickening…lights shorting out, buzzing loudly, one after another exploding and sending sparks shattering to the walls and floor, seemingly never-ending. This is odd as there are only two lights in there.

The obligatory “O Fortuna” seeps in and is joined by my inhuman howls as I appear to be collecting the necessary strength. This playfully sinister perversion of sight and sound continues for quite some time. None of it is terribly necessary at this point. It simply amuses me. And this is greatly needed as my DS normally explodes within the first 45 seconds.

When it happens that I am sufficiently entertained, all sights and sounds stop, a simple plop is echoed across the universe — that is the bathroom — and is shortly followed by a harsh clang, as a perfectly polished silvery black metal sphere, measuring in diameter a predictable 63.5mm and weighing 2.61kg, is deposited into the bowl without a trace of pollution, in fact serving to sanitize the water into which is has been placed.

Afterwards, I feel…much better…and I am able to exchange this artifact for a new DS at certain known and unknown video game establishments scattered across the city.

In conclusion:

1. I enjoy the DS.
2. It is a modern marvel in the bathroom.
3. My hands are forever clean.

Let us simply never turn on an Ultra Violet light source. This is not because of using the DS in the bathroom. You’ll prove nothing. This is just good common sense and standard practice in Casa Sporadicalia.

I’m Thomas K…and I’m not.

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