X-Men Origins: Wolverine = Worst Deadpool Movie Ever

by May 14th, 2009 - Culture » Film and TV »

deadpoolWhile I should perhaps one day write Deadpool, I make no claim as of yet that I should draw it. I’m working on it.

If the omittance of the central character’s name from the title didn’t already tip you off to the suckfest that was to follow…Deadpool‘s disappearance after the first 15 minutes of X-Men Origins: Wolverine should give you some idea of the piss poor creative team behind this attempt at a proper Deadpool movie. Just who the fuck is this scruffy hoser with the hangnails anyway…?

Editor’s Note:
Koo-Loo-Koo-Koo-Koo-Koo-Koo-Kooooooo!

Ho ho. That was a fine fantasy intro. Yes indeed…I am not so retarded as to think it was actually a Deadpool movie that I went to see, but given that the best tingly parts of my brain dance with insane magic whenever thoughts of the character are near, my only-just subconscious expectations were pretty much the same.

Spending a moment in review reality, I would sum up X-Men Origins: Wolverine as a pretty damn good attempt at parts of most of Wolverine‘s past. There’s no way in hell most fanboys are going to be happy, but I’m just one of them geeks who is cool enough to chill out and let some shit slide. Hell, Hugh Jackman ain’t even my idea of Wolverine. I prefer a little older and haggard version, thank you. However, given that neither Danzig nor Jack Nicholson won the part…I’ve adapted and learned to lov…erm…LIKE Hugh Jackman as Wolverine…or as I like to call him: SCRUFFY…the most angriest X-MAN!

Overall they did a fine job smushing together a rather long and crazy past that wasn’t even totally in existence until recently in the character’s storyline: beginning with Logan’s exact origin; detailing his ever fraying relationship with Sabretooth; his tragic love-life; and the Weapon X program that made him the beast he came to be and lost him the man he was. Now, not all of this was done gracefully. But it sure as hell was done.

My major complaint with the movie also ties into my sloppy, sloppy love affair with Deadpool. They cheapen the movie and my sexy mind-time with a few clacking minutes at the screenwriters’ crap encrusted keyboard. The super-mutant-frankenstein storyline was very cheap and unnecessary. It was a way to artificially draw in a shit-ton of other characters including prominent future X-Men, connecting this story to the previous already put on the screen.

Editor’s Note:
Scott Summers was, is, and always will be a fucking tool.

Wait! I gotta turn over my Perry Como record…

There…

Boy…and it sure does make a neat-o boss to grind away at in da Video Game, yuh?!

All the motivation that Logan needed to find and kill Sabretooth and Stryker was already put forth in their constant hardcore fucking over of him. Had we went along with lone crazy-assed vengeance, then we wouldn’t have had to turn one of the most charismatic and dynamic characters found in any fiction into a mongoloid 8-bit NPC (use your decoder ring, kids).

Which brings us back to Deadpool…The Merc with a Mouth. Beginning life as mild-mannered mercenary-for-hire Wade Wilson, his life was transformed when a rare radioactive “Deadpool Spider” bit him and transformed him into Deadpool-Man…

No…that’s not true.

Wade Wilson was a comedic genius of a mercenary, quite skilled with both blade and gun, who did terrible things, then got the cancers which made him sign up with the good Weapon X peeps to work on him and try out that there Wolverine healing factor on him and his cancers. WHOOPS…it don’t work so good. His cancer spreads quite visibly and it grows back as soon as it is cured. So his love life ain’t makin’ it so much, but if his arm falls off it grows back…so he’s got that going for him. He continues to do horrible things and some good things while taking the time to make the perfect joke mid-battle…just because he can. Also his mind ain’t so clear on his past…cause that makes his back story more intriguing and maleable.

Basically.

Editor’s Note:
He may in fact not have been Wade Wilson originally, and may have actually killed that innocent guy who later turned into a horribly dumb looking character named T-Ray who was his main nemesis…but no one cares about that anymore.

My great proclivity for procrastination has made it that I have only dreamed, for a long time, of writing Deadpool to the silver screen. I had in the past thought of casting Bruce Campbell in the role, but that ship has perhaps sailed some time ago. After seeing Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder and falling in love – I fall in love at least twice a day – I thought immediately that he would be perfect for Wade and indeed he was as he was magically cast in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

In the guise of Wade Wilson, Reynolds works some only decently written though magnificently delivered lines and shows that his sword skills match those of his mouth, sketching the character such that he is only capable of taking such risks with his wit because he can make up lost ground in a fight almost effortlessly.

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