My Brett Favre Retirement Plan

by January 22nd, 2008 - Culture » Sports »

He and I, warmed by the Mississippi sun, each with a magnolia stuck in our hair…spending our time catching, cooking, and eating catfish. And at the end of the day, we’ll look into each other’s eyes and for the first time not look for comfort in return, reflecting on and finally coming to terms with all that came before in our lives, content now to simply enjoy what each other’s company naturally provides.

When this will happen is anyone’s guess…but it does seem nearer, as months prior to the playoffs I serendipitously “retired” from my own job. Nothing is by chance, you understand…and any guess is as good as the truth at this point.

Why would he retire now, though? When questions of his retirement were tossed about in recent years, they largely arose due to piss-poor seasons by the entire team, major personnel shakeups, personal tragedies, and bleak, very uncertain future seasons. Even going into this season, there was no real sign that the Green Bay Packers were going to have the season they did.

But the Packers did have the season they did, and it seems that should be a very strong and compelling reason to return. Without digging in too much, it does not seem that the Packers will lose that much in the off-season. Surely, with a young talented team that has now been tested in the playoffs, individual skills maturing, and team chemistry growing even stronger, the Packers are in an enviable position and should be able to fill some holes through the draft and perhaps make one or two free-agent signings that could put them “over the top”.

Of course, this will all take place while other teams are making additions that will put them “over the top”. And although not the most exciting division, the NFC North is not a complete walkover. Most of the teams, while perhaps not near the ever vague line of being “over the top”, are actually close to being, if not already, consistently competitive and a real thorn in the side of the Packers twice a season.

In the end, however, I wouldn’t expect these points to be any deciding factor for Brett. That…is competition. I would expect that this is a very large part of what drove him to football in the first place and is the primary nagging desire that makes it so hard to even think of no longer playing.

The only real way I could see him retiring this season, is if he reflects on the season and finds that his skills have diminished so much so that he’s not comfortable playing with tools that are no longer there. He had a damn fine year, but there were times in the game against the Giants that it seemed the arm wasn’t there. The guy has always thrown interceptions due to his gambling, “screw it!” mentality, but at times it did seem he was either afraid or unable to throw long, no longer turning over the ball because he’s forcing the impossible throw, but because he falls short of a more reasonable one. Maybe his arm is finally going. I’ve never had one to speak of, so it’s hard to be accurate on this subject.

Even if these theories were true, I would still find it hard to imagine him retiring. It just doesn’t seem valid. It doesn’t seem reasonable. However, that is just the way decisions are made and events unfold in this modern age. And so, it eerily feels that he might retire, just because it does not make sense…and would be unfair to everyone.

Or maybe he is thinking of retiring…just to retire with me. But don’t do it, baby?! When you retire, I want you to retire for you…not me. We will have our time…in time.

And what will that be like? Ugly questions now arise.

Will I have to wear a wig? What cosmetics must I buy? I’ve never had to buy cosmetics before. I don’t know the first thing. Sex change? Must I truly put on that dress he likes and dance that dance? Can I…will I…do these things?!

Thankfully I do not have to answer — these secret revelations can remain safely stored away in my Rainbow Brite diary. No, our love is not sexual — somewhere, Favre emits a sigh of temporary relief and for now stops frantically dialing the proper authorities.

Our love is passionate, yes, but platonic…and in that, somehow finding a way to deny any relation to Plato. Regardless of the fact that we may never even see one another naked, our golden years will burn stronger than any other, with a glowing sentimentality not seen before or ever again.

We will watch our children grow more capable every day, learning the ways of life that he and I have only recently mastered. We will lovingly laugh, seeing the road that lies before them.

These children will have been born strictly of our love…the non-physical, yet truly existent phenomena…which is of such purity and magic, that our very thoughts for each other are transformed into offspring…love made real.

And they will become legion, thousands strong, but caring…filling the fields of our Mississippi estate, causing the crops to grow strong, food for more than just our family. In time, they will spread over the entire Katrina ravaged region, healing wounds both physical and emotional, eventually repairing all things broken across the entire country, inevitably covering the entire world in the warmth of our love.

And for me personally…after all my struggles in life…I will sink into the strong, but comforting arms of Brett Favre…and will…for the first time in my life…feel safe.

But dammit, Brett, don’t be foolish! Only retire for yourself…when you and you alone know the time is right. For I know, deep down, that all the world only desires the chance to experience another masterful season…quietly…comfortably…confidently awaiting the promise of a world peace that cannot possibly be derailed. And I, for mine, will wait as well.

Love conquers all…but the NFL playoffs.

I’m Thomas K…and I’m not.

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